Creative ways to call someone ugly in Texas slang

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I have to tell you: I love Texan slang and figures of speech. I grew up hearing elders use real doozies that you don’t hear too often these days.

After chatting with my mom the other day and recalling some of the funny phrases we heard from grandma, I started to think. And my thinking made me realize that Texans certainly have a huge number of ways of calling someone ugly. To be known for our hospitality and for having such nice people living in this refined state… ..we really love to polish the unfortunate ones.

As bad as that may be, I have to admit that those I could think of have a certain comedic genius. And that’s why I’m going to list my favorites for all of you.

Most of them came straight from Grandma’s mouth (may the Lord rest her soul), the rest I heard from her church friends. Don’t be on the wrong side, that’s all I can tell you.

Disclaimer: I strongly suggest that you do not use them in regular conversation.

“So ugly that only her mom loves her – and she waits for payday.”

“So ugly that he has to squeeze out a glass of water for a drink.”

“He has a head like a crushed opossum.”

“This child is as ugly as grandfather’s fingernails.”

“Looks like he’s been pulled through a knot back.”

“It seems the dogs kept him under the house.”

“She would take a freight train on a dirt road.”

“She wasn’t hit with an ugly stick. The whole tree fell on her.”

“He’s so ugly that he has to sneak up on a mirror.”

Here. Nine ways to call someone “ugly” in Texan slang. Remember: it’s funny until they say it about you. Then it’s still quite funny, but certainly not very nice at all.

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